How Pursue-Withdraw destroys relationships

Understanding this pattern could be the key to making a change.

There are numerous books, studies, lectures, trainings and therapeutic theories based on this relationship pattern. I will link to one of those below. The point of this journal is to spell it out in a condensed and relevant way. 

Let’s start here. 

You are in a relationship. Things are going along fine until something happens. All of a sudden you notice some tension. 

There are two main ways to handle the tension:

1. Say, “Hey, I think there is tension here. What’s going on?”
   This person pursues the issue. 
   
   OR
   
   
   

2. Ignore it and go to a different room until it all blows over. 
   This person withdraws from the issue. 
   
   
   

Now, neither of these ways of handling the tension is inherently wrong. In fact, they are both really important. You have to be able to talk about problems at times but not every bit of tension needs an hour long conversation. 

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YOU ARE LIKELY PARTNERED WITH SOMEONE THAT HANDLES THE TENSION IN THE RELATIONSHIP IN THE OPPOSITE WAY YOU DO. 

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Most of us choose partners that act in the opposite way we do. That means one of you believes talking about the issue will help the problem. That is the pursuer. The other believes talking about the problem makes it worse and wants the conversation to be over. That is the withdrawer. 

Let’s break it down even further. 

WITHDRAWER

What it looks like and feels like:

• Saying “Yes.” “Uh huh.” “I do understand.” Even though you don’t really get why your partner was mad in the first place. You agree because it is the fastest way for the fight to be over. 

• During fights, your heart is racing, you get tunnel vision. It is hard to think or get the right words out. 

• During fights, you try to stay calm, stay calm, stay calm but then explode with anger when your partner is not hearing or believing you.

• All roads eventually lead to withdrawing and shutting down. You’ve gotten the message that trying to engage or work out the issue is pointless. It’s just best to give your partner space and hope things are better tomorrow. 
  

What your partner feels when you do this: 

• Abandoned.  

• Unloved.

• Uncared for. 

• Alone. 

Yikes. Well, that was never the intent. In fact, you are simply trying to do what you think is best in the face of conflict. Leave it alone and let it go away.

PURSUER

What it looks like and feels like:

• Attempting to talk in order to work out issues.

• Often raising their voice and speaking quickly. 

• During fights, it turns into a laundry list of everything the other person did wrong in the past six months or six years. 

• Bad fights devolve into name calling.

• When the withdrawer attempts to take a break, go to bed or walk away, the pursuer can become enraged or follow the other partner into the next room.
  

What the withdrawer feels when the pursuer does this: 

• Criticized.

• Judged.

• As if they can do nothing right. 

• Like a failure. 

Yikes. Well, that was never the intent. In fact, the pursuer is simply trying to do what they think is best in the face of conflict. Talk it out and make it better. 

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IN THIS SCENARIO, EVERYONE LEAVES FEELING DISCONNECTED AND DISHEARTENED EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE JUST DOING WHAT THEY THOUGHT WAS BEST.

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Hopefully, you only get caught up in this pattern every once in a while. In fact, that is quite normal. However, many couples find themselves acting this out more and more frequently. When this happens, depression and anxiety often follow. 

What Can I Do?

1. Seek couple counseling, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) 

   EFT trained therapists will help you both understand this pattern further, notice when it is happening and know what to do and say to stop it. 

2. Find an individual therapist 

   Regardless if you go to couple therapy or not, you will need an individual therapist. When working out these patterns shame and fear emerge and that is hard to navigate on your own. 
   
   

3. Read Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson 

   As mentioned above, this is the short and sweet version of what is happening. There are years of research and attachment science behind it. Doing the exercises in Hold Me Tight will give you a brand new way of seeing yourself, your partner and the relationship. 
   
   

4. Write things down

   When attempting to work out an issue, write some thoughts down beforehand if you have trouble finding the right words during the conversation. 
   
   

5. Ask for a break during hard conversations and then…

   Tell your partner when the conversation can resume.
   This can be a game changer.
   “I understand you are still mad. I feel myself having trouble thinking clearly. I want to take a break, think about what you said and come back in 20 minutes.”
   When you actually return in 20 minutes, you build trust with your partner and they are much more likely to be okay with taking a break in the future. 

I specialize in working with individuals who are prone to withdrawing and shutting down. Reach out via the contact page or schedule a consultation by clicking the button below.

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